I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize