My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
