I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
