I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
