Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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