the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
