so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
