It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
