I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
