Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
