So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
