once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
