i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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