I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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