i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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