Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
