I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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