It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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