Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize