I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
