I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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