Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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