I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
