Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
