Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
