She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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