I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
