just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
