I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
