I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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