I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
