Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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