Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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