I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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