i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
