i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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