Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
