I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
