Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
