Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
