Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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