My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
