$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
whose parrot is this?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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