New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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