I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drake has all the answers
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
