Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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