I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
