My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
