sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
