If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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