He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
