Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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