theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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