Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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