I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You left your phone here
Wait...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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