In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
