I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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