Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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