There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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