The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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