you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
