all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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