My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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