after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
