my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
