garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
