Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
