So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
