Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
