I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm both gender and math confused
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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