I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Randomize
